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Wednesday, August 3rd 2005

9:04 PM

So much to say and so little time.....

  • Mood: happy

Dear Dairy,

It has been a few weeks since I last had time to put my thoughts onto paper (well metaphorically speaking). It has been an eventful couple of weeks, the usual rush to try and get the horoscopes finished and up on the website, seeing clients and of course the family.

I also had to take a trip inter state last week for an exam board meeting.  I am on the FAA exam board, which administers the national exam system for qualifiying astrologers in this country. It was a very enjoyable time as we are a small but committed group, with a common goal, to improve the quality of astrology and astrologers in Australia.

While I was away I took the opportunity to catch up with my baby sister and her partner and 3 gorgeous children. She took the opportuntiy to have me set up her computer and is now part of the computer and internet set.

Her kids are great little people and the littlest one kept me amused for hours. I do sometimes miss the days when my children were all small, there was always so much activity in the house and people coming and going. By the same token, I do now enjoy the peace and quiet and most importantly the time I now have to myself to do the things I enjoy doing, such as my astrology.

I heard yesterday, although not officially as yet, that my youngest son Thomas will be moving into a permannet group home at the end of the month. While this is something we have been working towards over the past 2 years, it is still challenging for me as it is the final step in relinquishing his care to others.

I miss him every day and I still want to go and get him and bring him home, but know that I can't. It is so difficult being the parent of a child with special needs, there is so much emotional drain and constant physical and mental strain.

When Thomas first had his illness and was left with multiple disabilities, I couldn't conceive of not being the one to care for him. I thought I would always be able to provide whatever he needed. However, after my husband passed away, it became more and more difficult. The other chidlren and I were in such a state of emotional turmoil to begin with and then my father passed over just 8 weeks later, adding to the distress. Thomas was getting bigger and hitting puberty and finally became just too mcuh for all of us together, let alone any of us individually. We were unable to access respite care on any regular or ongoing basis and his behaviour had escalated to the point where even his school would no longer provide the little repsite we had been able to obtain.

Crisis point hit and we had to make the hardest decision any parent can make, to put him into care. it was the right thing to do for all of us. I know this and yet there is still a part of me that wants to hold that baby and protect him and make everything alright, I guess that part will always be there and all I can do is to acknowledge and recognise it for what it is.

But now is the final crunch and again I go through the guilt of not being able to care for the child I love so much and who has been such an inspiration and education for me. I have learnt so much through Thomas, about myself and human nature, about what really matters in life and what is superfluous.

I am happy that he is now more settled and content within himself, his bad behaviour has settled and he is always happy to see us, and we him. The tension has left and we can now have the loving relationship that we had before Colin's death.

I am also very lucky that I have met such a wonderful and caring human being in my partner Eddie. I don't think I would have had the strength over the past years if I had to do it on my own. He is a great support to all of us and it was no small task to take on a family the size of ours!! He is a gem and I am so grateful, that I have been blessed with such love a second time.

Well that's probably enough rambling for one day.

To all who drop by I wish you much happiness and blessings in your life.

To all my children and grandies - I love you.

To my sun and stars, Eddie - I love you with such depth and intensity, that it is scary.

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